


all phrased as tactfully as possible

by suitablyskippy



Category: Gintama
Genre: Canon-Typical Insensitivity, Coming Out, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-10
Updated: 2016-11-10
Packaged: 2018-08-30 00:57:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8512633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suitablyskippy/pseuds/suitablyskippy
Summary: "I do have a wife, and I’ve always loved her, and if I’m honest with myself I still love her even now, so I thought – or I didn’t think, I just assumed, I always assumed... that I could only love her. That I could only love people like her.” Hasegawa draws in a deep breath. This is it; this is the moment. His voice won’t shake. He won’t let it. He says, “But I’ve realised I can also... love people who aren’t wom—”“We did invite Kyuubei-san, didn’t we?” Shinpachi asks the room fretfully. “I mean, I know we did. Of course we did. But do you think there’s any chance the invitation could have gone missing?"(At the very first meeting of Edo's brand new Gay/Straight Alliance, Hasegawa does his best to come clean.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for the prompt 'Shinpachi: a day in the life of Edo's Gay/Straight Alliance's only member', and that prompt was originally written because of the clear and obvious fact that Shinpachi would be (...or already canonically is?? I THINK YES) the most earnestly well-meaning straight ally in the city.

“I’d been in love, so I thought I knew what love felt like. I thought that was the only way that love could feel. But... recently,” says Hasegawa, gripping his knees through the thin fabric of his trousers, unable to raise his eyes from the floor for fear he might catch sight of Gintoki and find all his words deserting him, “recently, I’ve had... some experiences. Some new experiences. And I’ve started to rethink what I thought I knew about love.”

“With all respect,” says Shinpachi, “this meeting really isn’t meant for you, Hasegawa-san. You’ve got a wife.”

“That’s just what I’m saying! I _do_ have a wife, and I’ve always loved her, and if I’m honest with myself I still love her even now, so I thought – or I didn’t think, I just assumed, I _always_ assumed... that I could only love her. That I could only love people like her.” He draws in a deep breath. This is it; this is the moment. His voice won’t shake. He won’t let it. He says, “But I’ve realised I can also... love people who _aren’t_ wom—”

“We did invite Kyuubei-san, didn’t we?” Shinpachi asks the room fretfully. “I mean, I know we did. Of course we did. But do you think there’s any chance the invitation could have gone missing? Or perhaps I put the wrong time on it. Or the wrong place. And what if the council went round and cleared up all my posters?”

“Pretty sure the inside of Kyuubei-kun’s bedroom isn’t part of the council’s usual beat,” says Gintoki. 

“That’s true,” says Shinpachi, a note of relief in his voice.

“And I saw you give Kyuu-chan the invitation,” says Kagura, “so I know it hasn’t gone missing, uh-huh. Because I know exactly where it is.” 

“That’s true, too,” says Shinpachi, even more relief in his voice. “Well, then I suppose—”

“In the recycling bin,” Kagura goes on relentlessly, “all screwed up, where Kyuu-chan threw it as soon as you left.” 

Shinpachi’s welcoming, friendly, and supportive smile is growing strained, despite how much time he’s spent practising it in the bathroom mirror over the last week. _A Welcoming, Friendly, & Supportive Atmosphere!_ – that’s what his posters promised, and that’s what he’s determined to provide. “Well,” he manages, “well, that’s – then it’s just as well I had so many posters printed! It’s just as well we thought to stick them all over the Yagyuu gates; there’s no way Kyuubei-san could have missed that, is there? Not even if that nice personal invitation I made was – well, anyway, that doesn’t matter now, even if I _did_ spend all that time trying to make sure everything was phrased as tactfully as possible—”

“Tojo ripped them all down,” says Gintoki. 

“He what?” says Shinpachi. 

“Ripped them down, uh-huh,” says Kagura. 

In Shinpachi’s horrorstruck silence, Hasegawa sees his chance and seizes it. 

“The posters you put up around Kabukichou stayed up, though,” he blurts. “That’s where I saw them, Shinpachi-kun. That’s how I found out about it. About – this. And I thought... for days, I couldn’t decide if I’d come or not. I wasn’t sure. Because I thought – well, on one hand... there’d be no going back. If I came here, I mean, and said – said that—” The words stick in his throat. He lets them stick, and hurries on; it’s fine if he has to work up to it again; he knew this wouldn’t be easy. “If I came here and said it, and – if I told people, then that would make it real. But then I thought – well, it _is_ real, isn’t it? And I can’t pretend it’s not. I _shouldn’t_ pretend it’s not. I’ve got to be honest about myself. About who I am.”

On the opposite sofa, Gintoki yawns. Kagura yawns too. The table before them is strewn with empty, grease-stained paper plates, brutally denuded of the free snacks that Shinpachi’s posters had so optimistically promised to all attendees. Hasegawa is still clutching the chocolate biscuit that had been all that was left on his arrival; it’s shedding crumbs in his shaking hands. 

“I just want to be supportive,” Shinpachi says plaintively. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and even if I’m not – you know, if I’m not the same sort of... the same way as – if I’m not _like_ Kyuubei-san, in that, um... Well, what I mean to say, is that just because – ah, just because _I_ happen to... to like girls—”

“Shame none of them like you,” remarks Gintoki, who Shinpachi had been trusting to be paying far less attention than he apparently – unfortunately – is. 

“—I mean, just because we _both_ happen to – to like girls,” says Shinpachi, forging on with desperate dignity despite the fact he’s burning crimson, “it doesn’t mean I can’t... understand. In fact, I think that means it’s even more important for me to understand! So I just want Kyuubei-san to know that I’m... well, that I’m willing to listen. Or to talk. I’m willing to learn all about the – the _issues_. Because there are all sorts of issues, you know,” says Shinpachi. He adjusts his glasses, and adds modestly, “I’ve been researching them.”

Kagura picks up an empty paper plate and rubs her finger carefully across it, wiping up the last of the sugar; then she licks her finger, tosses the plate aside, and picks up another. “You want to talk to Kyuu-chan about girls?” she says. 

“Well – not exactly, Kagura-chan; it’s a bit more complicated than that. In fact,” says Shinpachi, with a burst of enthusiasm, “that’s sort of why I wanted to have this meeting! So we could _discuss_ the ways it’s more complicated than that, and maybe we could—”

“Because if you talk to Kyuu-chan about girls,” says Kagura, pausing to drag her tongue across her plate, “it’s just gonna be the boss lady.”

“I told you, Kagura-chan, that’s not what—”

“No wonder Kyuubei-kun hasn’t come,” Gintoki says to Kagura, in a confidential undertone that isn’t even slightly lower than his normal volume, “ _I’d_ run a mile if some four-eyed creep with a sister complex invited me to a meeting to discuss how hot I think his sister is.”

“ _Gin-san_! That’s not what this is! You two aren’t even trying to listen to me, are you? You’re only here for the free food, aren’t you?”

“ _I_ know what you mean!” Hasegawa bursts in desperately. “ _I’m_ listening, Shinpachi-kun! And I – I understand what you’re saying. About the... issues, and all of it. How it’s not always as easy as people might think it is, when you love people that society tells you you shouldn’t love.” 

The silence that follows could mean anything. In Hasegawa’s feverishly nerve-wracked imagination, it means a lot of things, one after the other, all of them awful. 

“I appreciate your enthusiasm, Hasegawa-san,” says Shinpachi, in distracted irritation, “but like I told you, this meeting isn’t about you. So if you could just—”

“But it _is_!” cries Hasegawa. Seized by a state of high anxiety, he clenches his fists; his chocolate biscuit turns to crumbs and spills out through his fingers. “It is! That’s what I’m trying to tell you! And maybe it’s – maybe it’s fate, that Kyuubei-kun isn’t here today, because maybe this will be easier if it’s only the three of you—”

“ _Four_ of us,” says Kagura, tossing an unlicked plate straight into Sadaharu’s mouth like a particularly greasy frisbee. 

“—to the four of you,” Hasegawa says hurriedly, “of course, the four of you – if it’s only the four of you, then... maybe it’ll be easier for me to say it. To tell you.”

Shinpachi turns around on the sofa and looks at him properly for the first time since he sidled in. His irritation has softened; he’s studying Hasegawa with open curiosity. “Easier for you to tell us what, Hasegawa-san?” 

“To tell you,” says Hasegawa, “to tell you that, that – to say...” His words fade away from him. Gintoki has reached into the careless folds of his kimono to scratch his belly, watching Hasegawa incuriously. Safe behind his sunglasses, Hasegawa follows the movement of that roaming hand with a sense of terrible wonder. “That,” he manages, “that I’m not – that I love... I mean, that my feelings for—”

“Gin-chan!” shrieks Kagura, bounding to her feet on the sofa and seizing him by his hair to yank him upright too, wide-eyed and panicking, “Gin-chan! It’s half past three! Gin-chan, turn it on, turn it on!”

Gintoki’s pained objections stop at once; he sits up sharply, instantly alert, and sweeps an armful of paper plates to the ground to unearth the television remote buried deep beneath them. “Great work, everyone, great work. Put it on the agenda for next time. Meeting adjourned,” he says, with brisk professionalism, and flicks the television on. The opening jingle of an afternoon soap fills the room, and both he and Kagura exhale in relief and collapse back against the couch. 

Hasegawa’s hopes plummet to his tattered sandals. 

“What were you about to say, Hasegawa-san?” Shinpachi asks gently. “Don’t mind them, they’re always like this. You can tell me, if you want.”

Hasegawa’s hopes dare to rise again, just slightly. “That—”

Gintoki turns the volume up by several deafening degrees. “My money’s on Kimiko,” he tells Kagura loudly, “no woman dresses that revealingly unless she’s got something to hide; it’s basic reverse psychology—”

“Just ignore them, Hasegawa-san,” says Shinpachi, more gently still. “What were you about to—”

“Gin-chan, I can’t concentrate with those two muttering over there. Why haven’t they left yet?” Kagura’s furtive whisper is so deafeningly loud it even drowns out the television. “Do they think they’re welcome here? Do they think we don’t want them to get out?” 

“I don’t know, Kagura-chan. I really don’t know. You’d think they’d show a little more respect, wouldn’t you, as guests in someone else’s home; you’d think they’d at least know to make their excuses and leave if their hosts are obviously busy with something else... Oi,” as Gintoki raises his voice from a not-even-slightly furtive whisper to a shout, “ _Patsuan_ —”

Shinpachi heaves a sigh, and rolls his eyes at Hasegawa in a show of good-natured comradeship. “You’ll just have to tell us about whatever it is next week, then! Shall I show you out, Hasegawa-san?”

“Oh, no need. I know the way,” says Hasegawa, and attempts a smile that wilts and withers and dies like every pot plant he’s ever owned and every dream he’s ever known. He does know the way out. Sometimes, it feels like _out_ is the only way he knows: out of money, out of luck, out of love. 

Not yet out of the closet, though. Perhaps he’ll come back and try again next week. Perhaps he won’t. Perhaps this has been the universe’s way of reminding him that it’s better not to dream of what he’ll never have; perhaps this has been the universe’s way of reminding him to know his place. 

Hasegawa takes one last look at Gintoki – lost in his soap opera, his elbow propped on Kagura’s head, absently shifting position like he’s trying to release a subtle fart – and buries the moment in his heart to cherish it forever, and flees.

**Author's Note:**

> [Originally posted [here on tumblr](http://suitablyskippy.tumblr.com/post/151899364919/shinpachi-a-day-in-the-life-of-edos-gaystraight)! And I'm always open to Gintama prompts (though I can't guarantee I'll always write them), so please feel extremely free to drop me a message if there's something you've got in mind. ♥]


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